Dear Younger Me,
I want to connect with you again. Speaking from our “10 years” gap, I want to see what really happened to you before we grew apart. When you are 16, I know that life is tough on you. Papa died before your graduation, you fell in love (and still trying your best to run out of love) to a guy who makes you feel worth the compromise, and you’re trying your best to fit in and be belong (like the way you used to do since 5 years old.) But all those major things are not the reasons why I’m connecting with you again. I cannot fix what you messed up before. And to tell you honestly, I’m still having a hard time fixing what you left. It’s so hard, I can’t move forward.
Now you’re thinking: “PAST IS PAST already, don’t blame me for your misery today, Angela.” And you’re right. I’m still blaming you for all the misery I’m at this present time because of what you did. But I’m still want to have peace with you because I believe that I can only move forward in this life by doing this. I wanna know everything from where did you go wrong to what compelled you to do these things. I’m not an expert but let us start.
I wonder how much different things would be…
If you grow up in a different family and raise in a smooth environment, I wonder what type of person you will be? I can only imagine you being in the best school, meeting good people along the way and achieving your best forward in life. But it’s hard to imagine good life if you personally don’t see yourself as good as you’re supposed to be. You tried your best to be the best that your family and “so-called-friends” wants you to be. In fact, you fully surrendered yourself to pleased these people, giving all that you have. But you become empty, Angela. It didn’t compel you to move forward, but rather live in their bubble and used to live in misery with these choices of compromise; just to win these people.
Sometimes, I wondered if I push that UST college dream, my family raised me well in a good environment, I’m surrounded with compassionate and loving people before (that I certainly have right now), probably you will not be as lonely and empty as you were. Dear younger me, you could have done better, but it’s hard to live those dreams and “what-if’s” because sin and shame trapped you in those situations. I can’t bring back those missed opportunities anymore, but I’m doing my very best to move forward at this present time. I just want you to know that I’m not cursing you nor blaming you, but you could have done better, and it’s not your fault.
If I knew then what I know now…
Last 2014 (at the age of 23), I had a greatest decision to know and accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. During that time, I thought I can fix everything that you’ve left and been a better version of myself by running away from your mess. But He invited me in and He makes me realized that He alone can save me and fix everything right. I remembered you had an encounter with the Lord as well during your first youth service (2nd-year college). But instead of accepting Him, you ran away and never come back. It’s funny to see myself being in the SAME CHURCH, WITH THE SAME CHURCH PEOPLE I USED TO AVOID (now I’m loving every single time with them) AND LIVING UNDER HIS LOVING GRACE AND MERCY. For me, that’s the life IM DESPERATELY LONGING for the longest time. But as for you, you didn’t accept that invitation and went back to your empty, miserable life. And I understand why you did it.
Dear younger me, I can show you how things would be different if only you just accept God and admit that you can’t make it on your own. But I must admit that I understand how crucial it is to believe what God has to offer way back then. You lived in a trap for so long, it’s indeed hard to comprehend the freedom and compassion God wants to give. And even if you learned it, you probably messed up and go back to your old life. Because that’s what sin does to us.
Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay. –Ravi Zaccharias
This world and its pleasures kept us from away from the true design of God. That’s why no matter how we realized God’s love, that He gave His one and only Son to die for us, we will still fail to embrace it, just because of sin and shame. If you just let Christ in the picture, condemnation and guild wouldn’t have any power and it will never be your worth/identity.
“Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross…”
This letter never meant to condemn nor blame you for what my life has been. But I want you to know that it’s not your fault. My mental illness, anxiety attacks, and hurtful events I’m in right now have nothing to do with you. Yes, you are a part of it, but I believe that there’s more to it than what you did. You see, the more that I seek the Lord, the more He gracefully reveals things in my life that He’s fixing and how to let it go. To let go all the hurt, pain, burdens and anxiety and put it under His care. Because He cares for me, and surely He cares for you too way before you knew Him. So I believe that God let those things happen for a purpose.
“And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.” Romans 8:28 AMP
So now I believe that God WANTS ME TO MOVE FORWARD, and it will only start by accepting the fact that He planned to do something with the things you dealt with. To correct, fix, and turn around every bad decision, the wrong mindset, hurt experience and desperate times for His good. What was meant for evil, God can turn it around for His good, pleasing, and perfect will for us.
Every mountain every valley, thru each heartache you will see every moment brings you closer to who you were meant to be…
So until we met again, I pray that you will have peace of the Lord the same way He has (and continually working) in my life. That you no longer dwell on what happened and let the Lord heal you by His blood and wounds. I’m happy to send this letter of peace to you. Dear younger me, I’ll decide to speak well to you always, and I hope that you’re happy for me as well.
Lord Jesus, I declare that You alone can fix my past, sustain my present and build my future. Thank You for saving me and my past life from the wretched and pain sin does to us. I repent for what I did in the past and let it rule over me today. Cleanse me with Your blood and make me clean. Let my past, present, and future be in the palm of your hands. Make all the good, the bad and the ugly work together for Your purpose and give us the grace to be excited about what You will do in us. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.